I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
