I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
