Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
