This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize