i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
