His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
