The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
