Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
