No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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