Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
