I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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