Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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