I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize