I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize