This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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