ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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