I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
