i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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