atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
