'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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