I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
