the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
