At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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