How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
