i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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