Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
