then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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