I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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