I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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