I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
