We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish you could order shots online.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
