Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
