you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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