O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize