You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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