Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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