My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
