You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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