that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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