whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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