I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
