Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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