when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
