I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
