if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
