We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
