I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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