It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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