Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
