My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
