i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize