I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize