Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
