I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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