I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
