I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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