My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
