Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she smelled like a LAN party
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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