Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
