Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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