apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
smell my finger.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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