new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
